If there’s one piece of dating advice for men that’s most universal, it’s this: be more confident!
And if you’re like most men, that only makes you feel even MORE INSECURE than normal. But it’s normal to feel insecure and the truth is, it’s only a piece of the great man-puzzle that is dating a woman.
First, you have to understand why confidence is so universally accepted as an important aspect for attracting women.
Because women want men who can be confident AND vulnerable, be funny AND serious, be adventurous AND her rock of security, be focused AND in the moment, be passionate AND emotionally stable… and that’s the short list! It seems impossible at first – until you realize that behind all of it is a woman who just wants to feel and she needs your help.
Most men chase the laundry list of what women say they want (i.e. funny, serious, confident, vulnerable, passionate, focused, emotionally even-keeled) in a futile attempt to grab the prize… like a dog chasing its tail… sometimes never realizing that they ARE the prize.
So let’s take confidence and break it down.
To put it bluntly, they want you to be a leader. They want you to lead them to all the emotions they want to feel. BUT… they want you do it in a way that speaks their language.
This one powerful concept is brought to you in 3 simple lessons, in order to immediately improve your dating life.
Lesson #1: Why is leading good?
She WANTS you to succeed stupid!
Let’s be real here.
How many women do you really think go out every night saying to themselves, “Let’s see how many men’s souls we can crush tonight?”
No, it’s not even close to how many you may think.
I’m not saying they’re not out there. There are a handful of true ice queens out there who go out for the sole purpose of shooting down boys for its own sake. It makes them feel better about themselves.
But those are the rare exceptions.
The misunderstanding is that she doesn’t want to be your mother, or your therapist, or your best friend. She wants to be your WOMAN. And it’s up to you to make her feel like one.
In the end, men and women want the same basic things. Love. Sex. Companionship. Excitement. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Acceptance.
It’s the specifics that have been lost in this age of gender equality. Your generation- our generation of men – is suffering from the delusion that female attraction somehow works exactly the same as a man’s.
We’ve been raised to think that if only we do everything she tells us to, THEN she’s sure to want us, right? You don’t need to be told how wrong that is.
And if you didn’t already know, you’ll find out soon enough.
Lesson #2: You Must Lead By Example…
You can’t REASON women into being attracted to you.
Before you can learn anything else, you need to understand this. You can’t talk a woman into feeling attraction for you.
This is the biggest mistake you can ever make with a woman, and yet, night after night, MILLIONS OF MEN across the country try to reason women out of their panties.
You see it in clubs and bars, on the street and on the internet… men deluded into thinking that the way to a woman’s heart is through a well-reasoned argument. I call it the “lawyer’s defense.”
They throw around their money.
They throw around their status.
They throw around their huge biceps, hot cars and hipster threads in vain attempts to convince women of their worth in quantifiable, masculine terms.
Does this work sometimes?
Thankfully, it does! Or there wouldn’t be nearly as many people in the world as there are now.
But, like monkeys with typewriters, success seems entirely random, and way outside the control of your average, non-rockstar, non-millionaire guy. After all, it’s called “getting lucky” for a reason, right?
Yes, women are generally wired to seek alpha men or men with alpha-status amongst guys available to them.
But emotionally speaking, being alpha is not an external thing. For women, it’s internal.
Why do women like to dance so much?
Ask a girl and she’ll tell you. No matter what’s going on in her life, no matter how bad her week was, she can always go to the club, and lose herself entirely to the music. It’s just her and the rhythm of the music washing over her body. And everything else is just… gone. The logical part of her brain shuts down, and she lets herself sense of self go.
Women are attracted to men who can give them these feelings too.
With shockingly few exceptions, women aren’t gold-diggers. They aren’t status-seekers. They aren’t heart-breakers, ice queens, ball-busters, or any of the other things that unsuccessful men call them after a long, hard night of strikeouts. Just like you, they just want to have a good time.
The men who succeed with women know how to engage their feelings, not their minds. So if you’re not going to try to reason a woman into attraction, what do you do?
Throw away the sales pitch. If you really want to connect with her, you must go there FIRST. Lead her to the emotions you want by connecting to those feelings first and then allow her to follow you.
Once upon a date, Sam was on sharing a cab ride with a girl named Ophelia, but she was acting standoffish. So instead of trying to convince her to open up, Sam opened up to her.
He thought about the positive feelings he wanted them both to connect with and decided that it was affection and warmth – because that’s what he remembered most fondly about the girls he dated before…
And as they’re riding in the cab together, he shared with her the story of Nikki, his last long term relationship.
Sam: The thing about our first date was we got along right away. You could just tell when you’re with someone that you feel totally comfortable with and you’re having a great time.
So that night we had this amazing connection that naturally became physical – and sure enough, we liked each other so much that we continued dating for like a year and a half.
And on our one-year anniversary, I asked her, “you know how I knew that we were gonna get along right away?
Sam (looking into Ophelia’s eyes): Because you were so affectionate, so open and warm that it just made me WANT to open up to you. And I just knew we’d be together for a very long time.
I LOOOOOOOOVE affectionate girls!
This is way better than just qualifying her with “are you affectionate? Because if you’re not then we can’t hang out, cuz you’re not cool enough for me… NYAH!”
Instead, Sam felt those emotions first and then used what in NLP terms is called process language. He used those details to really immerse both her and himself into the experience.
Speak to her as a woman. Paint a picture with your words. There’s poetry in every woman’s heart. Meet her there…
And no matter how little money or status they have, notice how artists and musicians have always gotten beautiful, smart and successful women.
Because communicating in powerful feelings is second nature to them.
So one final time, put away the sales pitch. Learn how to engage a woman’s imagination, and her world- as well as other things- will open up to you.
Lesson #3: Being Powerful Is Attractive
It’s no secret women are attracted to confidence but there’s also a psychological reason…
Here’s the last lesson.
We talked about leading by example and bringing her with you on an emotional journey to the positive feelings we all crave.
And while you may never get “rejected” for talking about your poor little kitten named Fluffy that was caught in a tree one time but then got freed and was so extremely happy and grateful and super cute….
Sometimes, you gotta take a little chance.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be in deep rapport. But when it comes to gaining attraction traction, sometimes you’ll need to go further.
This is a moment where you have to put yourself strongly and powerfully on the line by moving in a bolder direction – and where she’s likely to respond in a yes/no fashion within seconds.
The good news is, if you do it right, the answer will be yes most of the time. :-)
What’s the trick?
Understanding that everyone naturally carries some doubt and insecurity to varying degrees. Our mind is always looking for meaning in the noise and make sense of the world. That way we can go about our world “knowing” that we can handle any surprises…
That is, until I come along while you’re on your way to work and smack you upside the head and then gleefully run away.
“WHAT THE HELL? Why… did this happen?!? How can I prevent this from happening again???”
When the brain is seeking answers, it will always create an answer – even if there is no answer.
And THAT is the bottom line, my friend.
Because people want to feel safe, secure, comfortable and protected so they can enjoy life without fear – but women ESPECIALLY value this. And your confidence gives them that.
Your confidence is sexy to them.
Ever hear a girl tell you she wants a tall guy because she can “feel safe in his big, strong arms”? Well, if he’s not confident and you are, she will get that feeling from you and not from him.
Taking this a step further is called the bold approach.
When a person is taken by surprise, the mind goes into a state of confusion – and I bet you didn’t know that in hypnosis, confusion is considered a form of trance-like state. In the face of the unexpected, we drop our guard temporarily and leave space for new information (i.e. you).
Because it’s unexpected! And a bold, powerful approach does this.
It’s as if you went into a luxury store and the salesperson immediately walks up to you and says “can I help you?” Almost everyone says no, but it’s purely out of habit. It’s a knee-jerk reaction and sometimes we forget that and have to make a conscious effort to return to the salesperson to ask for help (I know, it’s horrible).
The saddest part is that’s how girls are often reacting too – from all the moments where they’ve had to suffer the cat calls, the comments about how slutty she looks, the stupid and downright stomach turning pick-up lines from guys who seriously have no clue what to do, besides point at her and grunt.
And – big shocker! – she may even say no to that cool, laid-back guy she found really attractive, purely out of habit and then REALLY regret it later on.
The point is a bold confidence allows you to be attractive. It gives her a sense of comfort AND it gives you a chance to interact with her on a more real, genuine level. And the more confident you are, the easier it will be to lead her into those positive experiences.
For some, this is probably stretching you a bit in terms of your current beliefs and experience, but it’s just one of those things you can only believe once you’ve gone through the journey a bit.
Keep in mind, when we say “bold and powerful”… it doesn’t mean you should be jumping at her from behind the bushes, or blasting her eardrums with your new Harley that has red flames on it. Use your head, OK?
Ok. One last example to close this out.
One night, Alex goes out to a really nice salsa club. The dance floor is filled with women, but the walls are packed with clueless men. So, Alex decides he has to get moving quickly. He spots a beautifully dressed girl from behind, who’s sitting with some of her friends.
Guys are coming up to her, one after the other, and she’s shooting them down like a machine gun of rejection, one by one.
So, he takes the lead.
He goes up to her and places a hand on her shoulder. Looking down he asks, “You don’t want to dance to this song right now, do you?” After turning down a dozen guys in the last 15 minutes, she of course, automatically says no.
Then after a brief pause, he smiles and nods saying, “But we should dance to the next one, right?”
She didn’t expect to agree with him by saying no. And while she’s thinking about that, Alex is already asking her for the next dance and nodding his head.
Afer a moment, she breaks into a smile. “You’re alright,” she says… and as the curiosity grows inside her, she can’t help asking him, “what’s your name?”
So, what’s the lesson here? Be the man. Surprise her with a bold approach, and confidently take the lead.
Because she wants you to succeed, stupid!