Myths I Learned from the Pickup Artist Community: Part 2

Neil Strauss The Game Book - Pickup Artist Community
Hey look everybody! I used to be a PUA bigshot… SEEEEE?!?!

“What do you do when a hot girl throws herself at you?”

I googled this today and the first result was a guy in a body building forum presenting three super thoughtful options:

Give her the cawk.
Get turned off since it’s so easy.
If you want a real relationship you hold out.

These attitudes are common for many men. If a girl is giving it away, it means she’s easy. After all, she doesn’t have any self-respect.

But what if that hot girl is Jessica Alba? Assuming they know who she is, most guys would probably throw themselves at her instead. Does this mean the men don’t have any self-respect? No, of course not. She’s Jessica Alba for god’s sake!

If all this sounds rather shallow to you, that’s because it is.

Why do we play games? Why can’t people who find each other attractive just get down to business and skip the courtship dance, the boring small talk? Why do girls have to wonder “does he like me?” for hours, days and weeks…. even when they both want the same thing in the end?


Pickup Artist Community - Freedom

Back in 2003, the biggest breakthrough I ever learned from the Pickup Artist community was that so much of our attraction is based on social value. Actually, scratch that. Our attraction is often based on our perceived social value.

Mystery decoded most of the formula for attraction theory. It was Tyler Durden and Papa at the time, that tied most of the attitudes and behaviors together, under the title social “value”. The IOIs, negs, obstacles, targets, AFCs, AMOGs, alphas, peacocking, shit tests, take-aways, cocky funny, jealousy plot-lines, qualification, time constraints…they were almost all about how we demonstrate higher value to others.

When I first learned this a light went on. It was in 2003 as I was talking to my friend and mentor Vinigarr when suddenly I had that moment when I saw “the matrix” that explained so much in my dating life. Yes, being short was a disadvantage but if I learned to play the game I could get the girl too.

Sounds a little sleazy right?

But here’s what most people outside the community don’t realize: almost all these techniques came from watching women. Specifically, this is how many attractive women in clubs are already acting with guys trying to date them.

Incidentally, it’s how many attractive men act too. Because all these techniques are just terms for what happens naturally. Not just in the dating world but in everyday social dynamics, whether you realize it or not.

Notice I didn’t say, “hot” men or women. Because there’s a difference between being hot and being attractive. Men with lots of wealth and power are attractive. They may be ugly old farts, but many women find them attractive. It makes them feel safe, taken care of and feminine.

And women who know how to play hard to get, dress well, or have high status (like celebrity) are considered attractive. Yes, men are more visually attracted than women are, but if men were only attracted visually, then they wouldn’t lose respect for the easy, but hot girl.   


Pickup Artist Community - Shadow Quote

As the years went by, I began to notice a long-term pattern.  Most of us were only dating short term even though many of us claimed to want relationships.

Even those of us in long-term relationships weren’t very happy. One by one, they all seemed to self-destruct. It wasn’t just a matter of whether it would or wouldn’t. It was only a matter of time. To be fair, a few did end up in healthy LTRs. And maybe not so coincidentally, many of them continue to be my good friends today.

But Mystery and Style – the two most iconic figures of the seduction community – both became perfect examples of how NOT to have an LTR.

I saw Mystery “closing” lots of beautiful women but he was always depressed about being alone. About not finding his pair bond(s). Eventually, he had a daughter with one of his girlfriends but last I heard she wouldn’t speak to him anymore or allow him to see his baby girl. It made him utterly miserable.

You’d think his superior skill on how to create attraction and desire – which I can attest to, first hand – would lead to superior relationship and communication skills with women as well. Right?

Nope. Not even a little bit. And lest you think this is a one-time occurrence, I can assure you it isn’t. This is the norm in a long line of imploding relationships over the years. 

In 2013, Neil Strauss married his current wife Ingrid and now has a son. But in 2010, she forced him to go to therapy for sex addiction.  His come-to-Jesus moment was when he cheated on her in a church parking lot with her best friend.

Why were so many of us good at meeting girls, having passion in the bedroom and not able to have healthy, steady relationships? What was missing?

After years of therapy and introspection (as well as lots more sex with other women), Neil learned that it all came from his low self-esteem. Today his seminars teach men “how to be ok with themselves.”

I’m not accusing all Pickup Artists of having low self-esteem but it’s ironic that in an industry that teaches men how to be “their best self” and more confident with women – their two most recognizable leaders that created the original blueprints – had significant emotional issues. It says something.

I know what you’re probably thinking by now…

You’re laughing at all the silly PUAs with their little insecurities because it was so obvious to you. You saw it coming a mile away. But the truth is, this isn’t something unique to the Pickup Artist community. It’s just an extreme microcosm of how the world operates. Because everyone has insecurities. And assuming you’re human, so do you.

No one wants to face rejection. No one wants to feel hurt or disappointment. We all have fears, flaws, and vulnerabilities. We’re all wounded. But even though it’s the most natural thing in the world, we fight it. And this is why we all play games at first.

Because attraction and fear are really both aspects of the same phenomenon. It’s scary if she rejects you…but it’s EXCITING if she validates you. This is a fun game to play if you can win at it, but it’s not love. It’s a game.

Yes, women love validation. They need it. But men need it just as much, if not more. When we date, holding our cards means withholding our validation for the other until we get it first. But the reason we withhold validation is because it’s important to us. We treat it like currency.

Without the possibility of losing something, there’s no fear. If you’re afraid of losing then it’s because it’s based on your desire for something. The desire to remain physically safe, the desire to love without disappointment, the desire to be validated by someone attractive.

So whatever we desire, rules us. We’re slaves to our desires and at the same time, we’re afraid of losing our freedom. So we fight. We fight our desires and we fight our fears. We fight other people but the fight is really inside… like a shadow, it follows us everywhere we go.

In the fighting you feel good, you are. It strengthens the ego. But in the process, it increases the distance between two people. This goes in the opposite direction of a real relationship.

Because a real relationship is the art of intimacy.

True intimacy is about removing all barriers between two people. And the ultimate barrier between two people is the ego. Real relationships are about giving up power, giving up the desire for control. It’s about being vulnerable, trusting and allowing a space for the other…including all their flaws, fears and weaknesses…the total human being. 


Pickup Artist Community - Conflict Quote

After 5 years of seeing myself and other Pickup Artists failing in the love department, I learned that when it comes to dating, attraction matters – but when it comes to love, intimacy matters. And this is where we run into conflict. Because if dating is based on a power dynamic then you must maintain that power.

So while having a hot 19-year-old blonde tattoo “Marco Rules” on her leg after knowing her for forty-eight hours  – and against my own wishes, I might add – certainly made me feel super manly about myself, it’s not really the beginning of a healthy LTR.

Of course, it’s natural to have your guard up when you first start dating someone, but at some point, it will have to be dropped – and the sooner the better. If you want closeness, then you’ll have to drop your need for security and risk the truth of yourself and the other. And if two people can’t drop their defenses against each other, then there’s no foundation for love. Love is an impossibility.

With this new understanding I saw how all the techniques developed to demonstrate higher value naturally revolved around self-esteem and control  – and most importantly, it directly opposed any intimacy. It’s totally destructive, long-term. It has to be.

Once I realized this, many things became clear.

Sex and power have always been closely intertwined. Many of our fetishes involve letting go of control or exercising it. S&M is exciting when you can dominate or submit to someone else’s power. But can it be used to build intimacy too? Absolutely – as long as it’s consensual. Then they’re not just objects that you’re getting something from… you’re giving them an experience they want, too. You’re sharing something.

When it comes to dating, some guys like to be the aggressive, alpha male and be super direct with their approach. For some girls, this is a turn-off. Everyone is different. That’s why it’s called a dance.

So when we use “indirect game” it can also help make her more comfortable. It can be used to build trust. But whether you’re being direct or indirect, if you’re changing your behavior because you need to get something from her, then it’s still about power and control. 

It’s no coincidence that Kissinger described power as “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Money is power, beauty is power, fame and validation is power. People who wield a lot of power are considered sexy. It’s their ability to give or take away what we want that makes them sexy and attractive.

All this explained to me why Mystery couldn’t hold down a healthy relationship if you held a gun to his head. Erik, the human, is a relationship guy. But Mystery, the persona, is not. So when Erik decides he wants the girlfriend, it’s almost too late. Mystery has already established the relationship based on a power dynamic and not much else.

In the Pickup Artist community, not only were we insecure, but the women we chased were as well. This is why it worked so well on attractive women. They can often be some of the most insecure of all. And it’s no coincidence that the women Mystery and Style dated were mostly young club girls, strippers or similar types as well.

So when a hot chick throws themselves at you, an insecure man might wonder “wait… what’s WRONG with her??” But a confident man with a healthy self-image might think, “of course she likes me… I’M FUCKING AWESOME! She must be awesome too!”

That’s what it looks like when we don’t play games.


Pickup Artis Community - Self Image Quote

It may sound like I’m picking on Mystery but the truth is I have a ton of respect for him. If it weren’t for his incredible genius in codifying some of these extremes in the dating world, none of these insights would exist for me.

Today Neil Strauss and a lot of the “natural game” gurus in the Pickup Artist community think many of the techniques and routines taught back in 2005 are bad for dating. Is it true? Yes and no. And this is where I depart from most conventional thinking…

Because we don’t just blindly trust random strangers at first. Nor should we. So if you’re dating, there’s still a qualification process that happens whether you’re aware of it or not. The question is, what are we qualifying for?

Tools are only “good” insofar as the intention for which they’re being used… it all depends on where you’re coming from. If we’re just trying to get laid, then in it’s purest form, it’s only about two people’s attraction to each other. Nothing wrong with that. But if we want more, then our mutual values matter. Even if it’s a short-term fling.

So in 2008 when I met my wife a speed dating event, I didn’t do a modified “crappy sketch artist” on her just to make her laugh. I did it because I come from a very sarcastic family, and a sense of humor is very important to me.

When I shared my “identity story” with her it wasn’t just to create deeper rapport so I could close her. I did it to find out if she’s positive, affectionate, open minded, spiritual, passionate, honest and into health and fitness like me. And as we began dating, I noticed she didn’t participate in any of the typical validation games… not only that, she didn’t respond to them either!

All this showed me that she had the qualities that could lead to a healthy LTR with me. I just set my boundaries upfront and then I let her decide. If she didn’t, I was honest about that. And if she did, I was honest about it too. Dating was just a process of discovering if our values aligned. But no longer was I hiding who I was, for better or worse.

Since dating will always involve some qualification process, why not use that process to build healthy intimacy instead of preventing it?


Eight years later, I still use what I learned back then in our current relationship. I know sometimes she wants me to be a stronger leader in parts of our relationship. I understand that when we argue, her non-verbal cues tell me more about how she feels than what she’s saying. And because we’re clear on our most important values together, we work to maintain them if we stray. Everything else slides.

But in none of these examples is she someone I’m just trying to get something out of… because love doesn’t seek to take. It gives. Love doesn’t fear, it trusts. And love doesn’t seek security because real love is freedom. Real love is a stepping stone. And the only way to freedom is to drop the fear, drop the questions, the doubts.

Without trust, there will always be questions. But if you’ve been following so far, then you understand that the ultimate question is really about accepting ourselves. Accepting others and accepting life as it is, with all it’s limitations, weaknesses, and imperfections. That’s what everyone’s looking for.

Then there’s no more conflict. Then there’s nothing left to fight. There’s no more shadows, only peace.

Seeking love may be the question… trust is the answer.




*Read our relationship interview by RiseUpEight:

Myths I Learned from the Pick Up Artist Community: Part 1

Pick Up Artist Switch
Women… amirite?!

Of all the gurus in the pick up artist community, one of the most well known has to be David DeAngelo. In many of his ebooks, CDs and seminars he asserts authoritatively that “attraction isn’t a choice” for women. You push the right buttons and she’s yours. She can’t help it. After all, she’s wired that way.

But here’s the problem with that… it’s a myth. 

From 2002-2008 I was knee deep in that mythology. I never got to know David DeAngelo (Eben Pagan IRL) but I did hang out with Neil Strauss, Mystery, Papa, Tyler Durden, Sickboy and others during its heyday. We learned a lot together that was groundbreaking and much of it found its way into The Game. And while many of the techniques and gambits developed back then worked surprisingly well for the pick up artist community, there was some dangerous doctrine that took hold. 

How do I know? Because I didn’t just follow the dogma. I learned the mindset and then I continued to learn, on my own. And what I learned is that in the pick up world dating is a science. But in real life, relationship is an art. 

Being deeply involved in the pick up artist community back then brought me some benefits. For aspiring lotharios aged 18 to 24, stories of conquest written about in The Game have turned the characters in the book into something like folk heroes of seduction. But for me, there’s no mystique to them. No hero worship.

They were my friends and I knew their flaws. And I also got to see the many flaws in their relationships as they devolved from that movie perfect beginning to a normal – or most often dysfunctional – dynamic. 

So when I say “attraction isn’t a choice” is my favorite myth to debunk, it’s not because I think I’m above it all. It’s because I witnessed its birth. And I’m living proof how easy it is to believe something so strongly and for so long… even though its fallacy is so obvious that when I look back on it today, I laugh.

Pick Up Artist Myths

All you have to do is look at history.

In the early Renaissance Botticelli painted what was considered the ideal feminine figure. Venus’ hourglass figure and wide hips showed she was obviously healthy, wealthy enough to eat generously and could bare children. Men craved these women.

In the early Renaissance Botticelli painted what was considered the ideal feminine figure. Venus’ hourglass figure and wide hips showed she was obviously healthy, wealthy enough to eat generously and could bare children. Men craved these women.

What about today? Just look at other countries like Africa where “chicken thighs” is so coveted some women resort to stuffing bullion cubes up their backsides in the belief it will thicken their legs and hips. In Tibet, when Cindy Crawford was introduced to monks as “the most beautiful woman in the world,” they laughed at her and said she looked like an alien.

What about when it comes to women’s attraction?

I have two words for you: dad bods. The ideal man has gone from fat and healthy to skinny rocker to meat head to lean athlete to paunch belly with a muscular chest and shoulders. What’s considered physically attractive changes over every generation and within generations.

What’s considered attractive character traits also changes according to the generation, geography and culture. What’s true about the “attraction switches” that DeAngelo teaches is that most of us appreciate confidence and humor. But there are infinite ways to present confidence and humor and equally infinite ways that confidence and humor can be interpreted by her.

As shocking as it may be, some girls think the “cocky funny” attitude is a turn-off…does that mean they lack the hard wiring that supposedly lives in the “lizard brain” area of all women?

How many times have women said, “I didn’t see him that way” before she eventually fell in love with and married her once male friend over the millennia? How many times has this happened with men who fell in love with their once female friend? What about in your own life? And yet, on average, many of them are not wanting of any love or attraction.

Was that not a choice?

From an evolutionary point, we’re born with only a handful of involuntary instincts and the rest is learned. All our desires are the result of judgment and conditioning. All of them.

Even our physical arousal can be influenced more by desire than evolution. That’s why the brain is called the most powerful sex organ in the body. Because the brain dictates biology, not the other way around. 

Animals don’t have foot fetishes, enjoy phone sex or need negging in order to procreate. These are human preferences and there are many.

Sexual function and arousal overlap but aren’t mutually necessary. You can have sexual function without arousal and you can have arousal without sexual function.

Our arousal preferences can change several times within a generation. Evolution happens over millions of years… tens of thousands at best. But it can’t be used to explain Steaming Clevelands.

 Fears & Desires > Emotions > Judgement > Decisions > Actions >>> Fears & Desires

The hierarchy of our actions starts with our fears and desires. Those fears and desires rule our emotions. With enough conditioning, they become habitual. Many of our choices seem out of our control because they’re made instantaneously. And while we can act rationally in spite of our emotions, most of our decisions are made emotionally. This is human nature.

On the surface, attraction also seems out of our control. But we’re already predisposed through conditioning. Or maybe something triggers our desire and suddenly we have a toe fetish. Thankfully our brain – just like much of our sexuality – is plastic and we have some control over this process.

So how does this help us in the dating world?

If you strongly believe “hot girls go for jerks” and you decide to be a jerk, chances are you’ll find some good looking girls that go for you.

If you strongly believe “hot girls go for nice guys” and decide to be a nice guy, then chances are you’ll ALSO find some good looking girls that go for you.

Either way, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But the bottom line is: don’t be a jerk just to get the girl. Don’t be a nice guy just to get the girl. It leads to cynicism. And we’ve all seen a lot of that in the pick up artist community. This is part of the reason why. Whatever you’re most attractive qualities are, be confident in them and find the girls who like you for them. 

Yes, always work on being your best self and improving your faults… but don’t do it for validation.

David DeAngelo Pick Up Artist
Audience Attraction Is NOT a Choice!

Women are attracted in a variety of ways. Buying blindly into the “cocky funny” dogma is dangerous because it leads to over-reliance of one approach. It ignores the reality that women and their tastes can be – and always will be – subject to change.

So don’t try to sell apples to someone who likes oranges. Be open minded to the women you meet and their differences.

If you decide you only want the “hot girls” who like you for it that’s fine too. But if what you’re attracted to isn’t working well long-term, then at least expand your box a little bit. Many relationships began unexpectedly and leaving space for that can only benefit you. Especially if you haven’t dated much.

Yes, some of the best pick up lines will absolutely work on women, but DeAngelo will be the first to tell you that who you are is what really matters afterward. And then her attraction is up for grabs again.

Because attraction is fluid. It always has been and always will be.

This can be a hard truth to swallow because many of us have ended relationships with the conclusion “I can’t help it, I’m just not attracted him” or her. 

For others, it brings a freedom because it means we don’t have to keep chasing the same men or women that we know deep down are just damaged or unhealthy for us.

Attraction for men and women is a choice. And if we’re attracted to the wrong people, it’s in our power to change that. Again, I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s true.

Just like some of us grew up hating the taste of fish then grew to love it. Our tastes in men and women have changed since we first started dating. Except now we can decide what’s best for us and take control of the process.

For women, the next time you say “I just can’t see myself with him”, you’re not just talking about something that’s outside of your control. And for men, the next time you think “attraction isn’t a choice” that’s also an internal choice you’re making.

You can’t un-know that now.

The good news is you probably already know the people you should be dating. The bad news is you now have to stop dating the people you already know aren’t good for you. Or if you don’t know, then you’ll just have the fun task of figuring out who those people are.

As the title would indicate, there are other hard truths I learned after I left the pick up artist community which I’ll cover in Part II. While some myths were spread from INSIDE the pick up artist community, they’re principles many men around the world believe from outside of the community.

These are general myths about how to attract women that were often used successfully at first – but proved to be destructive long term.

Aren’t you lucky I was the guinea pig for you? 

Why Women Date Assholes: A Case Study

Why Women Date AssholesJennifer is 24 years old and just moved from her parent’s house.

She’s happily tasting true independence for the first time and loving every minute of it. She goes to the gym regularly, takes yoga classes, reads often, and spends time with her growing circle of friends from work, college and every day encounters.

More and more she’s dating different types of men and while she isn’t looking for a relationship, she’s growing pickier about what she feels the dude needs to bring to the table.

The last guy Jennifer dated long-term was Jake. This was her college sweetheart of 2 years. He was sweet, gentlemanly, affectionate, considerate, attentive and very present. It didn’t work out though because the excitement and passion fizzled and they both grew apart.

Now she wants to try something different!

Because she’s independent, she expects her mate to be the same. A man “in-between jobs” is not acceptable, and the same goes for any man who’s not open minded like her or ambitious and confident about his career. 

So she starts dating Paul and she really likes him. When he first picked her up at a Café local to her job, she fell for him right away. Not only was he handsome, but he had a strong personality, was very outgoing and take charge. He didn’t take no for an answer.

Paul is an entrepreneur that fell into Real Estate and has his “fuck you” money so he doesn’t think twice about telling someone how he really feels- for better or for worse. She finds his brand of honesty refreshing compared with her old sweetheart Jake, who would sooner tell a white lie than to hurt her feelings in the smallest way.

Sure, Paul can be an asshole sometimes, but she feels safe and protected with him when they’re out. Because he won’t stand down from a confrontation and manages to stay cool when things go wrong.

But after dating 3 months, his jealous side grows increasingly unbearable. They fight more and more.

After 2 months of this, the relationship comes to a stand still. And worse, she wants to get closer to him but he’s busier with his career than with her. He grows distant, they snap at each other, resentment grows and she begins to wonder why they’re still together… even though their passion is as strong as it was on the first date.

One day, the relationship finally explodes after an epic fight, and the name calling reaches a point of no return. Paul completely shuts down emotionally and he won’t return her texts or calls anymore. So Jennifer decides he’s just another asshole and moves on.


A month later, Jennifer is dating Doug. He’s the opposite of Paul and is like a breath of fresh air! He’s sweet, laid back, non-possessive and affectionate. He reminds her of her old college sweetheart Jake.  And in fact, after just 2 months of dating, the attraction fizzles… just like it did with Jake.

Ladies, do you see the pattern here yet? Maybe you’ve experienced this first hand?!

Unfortunately, Jennifer doesn’t realize that she’s bouncing back and forth from the “Alpha male” type to the “nice guy” type, because she’s simply avoiding the worst qualities of her last relationship.

While she is attracted to the Alpha male, the passion is eventually overcome by their inability to build a deeper, healthy relationship.

And while she feels connection and intimacy with the nice guy, the relationship fails in the passion department… so Jennifer bounces back and forth, back and forth, over and over again… eventually believing “there is no such thing as a good guy”.

Because to her a good guy is a man that she is attracted to who can also be as emotionally available as the nice guy. The problem with this is that she can’t recognize what she truly wants is a man who is confident… not just a superficial confidence, but the kind of deep confidence in a man that allows him to be open emotionally and still shout “NO!” if he feels like his personal boundaries are being crossed (of course, this assumes he knows who he is and what his boundaries are!).

In short, Jennifer doesn’t KNOW the difference between a confident man and some dude who’s just another asshole.

So what is the difference, you ask?

This often takes the form of the classic “nice guy” versus “jerk” scenario.  And the challenge comes in recognizing not only the patterns of behavior but the motivation behind it.


Let’s take these two extremes and break them down together.

The man who acts like a jerk because “nice guys always finish last” is just as trapped as the guy who was a jerk and decides to be a nice guy. He’s merely trading one prison for another. Either way you cut it, he’s limited in a world that doesn’t allow him to truly be himself.

The nice guy is trying to please everybody so that he doesn’t get rejected. The jerk is rejecting people first and pushing people’s buttons to prove how much he doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to get rejected himself. The jerk fears intimacy. Otherwise, if it truly didn’t matter to him, why would he bother to resist it so much in the first place?

Human connection is not only natural, it’s our default mode. We’re pack animals that survived precisely because we’ve learned to survive together.

Both the jerk and the nice guy are living in reaction to fear, yet both will adamantly state “I am just being myself!” – I can assure you, they are not.

The woman who goes from one extreme of dating a nice guy to the other extreme of dating the modern asshole also begins to feel the frustration of not having the deeper connection along with the passion that she really wants: because he’s not being himself in the first place (and perhaps, neither is she).

True confidence in a man comes down to his being comfortable enough with himself, with who he is and is also mature enough to be vulnerable.

The first half (being himself) is what allows him to set strong boundaries, while the second half (being open and vulnerable) allows him to develop intimacy and connection in his relationships. It’s like a glass of water. It may be fluid and clear, but it can’t be enjoyed without the boundaries of the glass that holds it in the cup. 

The common ancestor in both these qualities is that it comes from a proactive way of being. It’s non-reactionary. It doesn’t revolve around the fear of how others might react to him.

A truly confident man has the freedom to be both the nice guy when appropriate and a jerk, when appropriate. But in both cases, he’s acting from within HIMSELF… and of course his core, his sense of self, beliefs and identity is already pre-defined.

Likewise, a man who chooses to treat people nicely – because that’s how he chooses to live his life, regardless of what people think –  is coming from a place of strength. He’s strong enough not to care if he gets criticized for it and derives personal pleasure from what he believes is doing good.

But if a man can’t stand up for himself and what he wants when it counts – when something is important to him – then he’s still trapped in his way of being. He’s still losing the freedom of not being nice because of his fear of rejection.

And a man who isn’t strong enough to be vulnerable and open, or admit when he’s wrong, is nothing more than a scared little boy.

Being vulnerable demonstrates a significant level of emotional maturity and inner strength. It shows a healthy self-acceptance and self-love. Without this self-acceptance, no love or acceptance is available for her.

Today’s woman wants a man who is truly confident. Superficial strength will always show it’s weaknesses and insecurities over time and she recognizes that no matter how attractive he may seem at first, if he doesn’t have enough inner strength, a healthy long-term relationship is unlikely.

Of course, women aren’t completely innocent when it comes to keeping their guard up! But it takes a much more subtle – and deadly form –with them, which I’ll cover another time.

As you date more and more, keep this in mind and you’ll begin to recognize what true confidence is and begin to grow attracted to a new type of man… a man who’s strong when it comes to issues important to him, but is otherwise sweet-as-pie with you… and it’s not based on outside approval.

In other words, you’ll be attracted to a man who’s truly confident inside and it won’t be because he’s an asshole.

Big goals, I know.

3 Dating Lessons for Men To Be More Attractive NOW!

3 Lessons for MenIf there’s one piece of dating advice for men that’s most universal, it’s this: be more confident!

And if you’re like most men, that only makes you feel even MORE INSECURE than normal. But it’s normal to feel insecure and the truth is, it’s only a piece of the great man-puzzle that is dating a woman.

First, you have to understand why confidence is so universally accepted as an important aspect for attracting women.

Because women want men who can be confident AND vulnerable, be funny AND serious, be adventurous AND her rock of security,  be focused AND in the moment, be passionate AND emotionally stable… and that’s the short list! It seems impossible at first – until you realize that behind all of it is a woman who just wants to feel and she needs your help.

Most men chase the laundry list of what women say they want (i.e. funny, serious, confident, vulnerable, passionate, focused, emotionally even-keeled) in a futile attempt to grab the prize… like a dog chasing its tail… sometimes never realizing that they ARE the prize.

So let’s take confidence and break it down.

To put it bluntly, they want you to be a leader. They want you to lead them to all the emotions they want to feel. BUT… they want you do it in a way that speaks their language.

This one powerful concept is brought to you in 3 simple lessons, in order to immediately improve your dating life.


Lesson #1: Why is leading good?
She WANTS you to succeed stupid!

Let’s be real here.

How many women do you really think go out every night saying to themselves, “Let’s see how many men’s souls we can crush tonight?”

No, it’s not even close to how many you may think.

I’m not saying they’re not out there. There are a handful of true ice queens out there who go out for the sole purpose of shooting down boys for its own sake. It makes them feel better about themselves. 

But those are the rare exceptions.

The misunderstanding is that she doesn’t want to be your mother, or your therapist, or your best friend. She wants to be your WOMAN. And it’s up to you to make her feel like one.

In the end, men and women want the same basic things. Love. Sex. Companionship. Excitement. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Acceptance.

It’s the specifics that have been lost in this age of gender equality. Your generation- our generation of men – is suffering from the delusion that female attraction somehow works exactly the same as a man’s.

We’ve been raised to think that if only we do everything she tells us to, THEN she’s sure to want us, right? You don’t need to be told how wrong that is.

And if you didn’t already know, you’ll find out soon enough.

Lesson #2: You Must Lead By Example…
You can’t REASON women into being attracted to you.

 Before you can learn anything else, you need to understand this. You can’t talk a woman into feeling attraction for you.

This is the biggest mistake you can ever make with a woman, and yet, night after night, MILLIONS OF MEN across the country try to reason women out of their panties.

You see it in clubs and bars, on the street and on the internet… men deluded into thinking that the way to a woman’s heart is through a well-reasoned argument. I call it the “lawyer’s defense.”

They throw around their money.

They throw around their status.

They throw around their huge biceps, hot cars and hipster threads in vain attempts to convince women of their worth in quantifiable, masculine terms.

Does this work sometimes?

Thankfully, it does! Or there wouldn’t be nearly as many people in the world as there are now.

But, like monkeys with typewriters, success seems entirely random, and way outside the control of your average, non-rockstar, non-millionaire guy. After all, it’s called “getting lucky” for a reason, right?

Yes, women are generally wired to seek alpha men or men with alpha-status amongst guys available to them.

But emotionally speaking, being alpha is not an external thing. For women, it’s internal.  

Why do women like to dance so much?

Ask a girl and she’ll tell you. No matter what’s going on in her life, no matter how bad her week was, she can always go to the club, and lose herself entirely to the music. It’s just her and the rhythm of the music washing over her body. And everything else is just… gone. The logical part of her brain shuts down, and she lets herself sense of self go.

Women are attracted to men who can give them these feelings too.

With shockingly few exceptions, women aren’t gold-diggers. They aren’t status-seekers. They aren’t heart-breakers, ice queens, ball-busters, or any of the other things that unsuccessful men call them after a long, hard night of strikeouts. Just like you, they just want to have a good time.

The men who succeed with women know how to engage their feelings, not their mindsSo if you’re not going to try to reason a woman into attraction, what do you do?

Throw away the sales pitch. If you really want to connect with her, you must go there FIRST. Lead her to the emotions you want by connecting to those feelings first and then allow her to follow you.


Once upon a date, Sam was on sharing a cab ride with a girl named Ophelia, but she was acting standoffish. So instead of trying to convince her to open up, Sam opened up to her.

He thought about the positive feelings he wanted them both to connect with and decided that it was affection and warmth – because that’s what he remembered most fondly about the girls he dated before…

And as they’re riding in the cab together, he shared with her the story of Nikki, his last long term relationship.

Sam: The thing about our first date was we got along right away. You could just tell when you’re with someone that you feel totally comfortable with and you’re having a great time.

So that night we had this amazing connection that naturally became physical – and sure enough, we liked each other so much that we continued dating for like a year and a half.

And on our one-year anniversary, I asked her, “you know how I knew that we were gonna get along right away? 

Ophelia: How?

Sam (looking into Ophelia’s eyes): Because you were so affectionate, so open and warm that it just made me WANT to open up to you. And I just knew we’d be together for a very long time.

I LOOOOOOOOVE affectionate girls!


This is way better than just qualifying her with “are you affectionate? Because if you’re not then we can’t hang out, cuz you’re not cool enough for me… NYAH!”

Instead, Sam felt those emotions first and then used what in NLP terms is called process language. He used those details to really immerse both her and himself into the experience.

Speak to her as a woman. Paint a picture with your words. There’s poetry in every woman’s heart. Meet her there… 

And no matter how little money or status they have, notice how artists and musicians have always gotten beautiful, smart and successful women.

Because communicating in powerful feelings is second nature to them.

So one final time, put away the sales pitch. Learn how to engage a woman’s imagination, and her world- as well as other things- will open up to you.

Lesson #3: Being Powerful Is Attractive
It’s no secret women are attracted to confidence but there’s also a psychological reason…

Here’s the last lesson.

We talked about leading by example and bringing her with you on an emotional journey to the positive feelings we all crave.

And while you may never get “rejected” for talking about your poor little kitten named Fluffy that was caught in a tree one time but then got freed and was so extremely happy and grateful and super cute….

Sometimes, you gotta take a little chance.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be in deep rapport. But when it comes to gaining attraction traction, sometimes you’ll need to go further.

This is a moment where you have to put yourself strongly and powerfully on the line by moving in a bolder direction – and where she’s likely to respond in a yes/no fashion within seconds.

The good news is, if you do it right, the answer will be yes most of the time. :-)

What’s the trick?

Understanding that everyone naturally carries some doubt and insecurity to varying degrees. Our mind is always looking for meaning in the noise and make sense of the world. That way we can go about our world “knowing” that we can handle any surprises…

That is, until I come along while you’re on your way to work and smack you upside the head and then gleefully run away.

“WHAT THE HELL? Why… did this happen?!? How can I prevent this from happening again???”

When the brain is seeking answers, it will always create an answer – even if there is no answer.

And THAT is the bottom line, my friend.

Because people want to feel safe, secure, comfortable and protected so they can enjoy life without fear – but women ESPECIALLY value this. And your confidence gives them that.

Your confidence is sexy to them.

Ever hear a girl tell you she wants a tall guy because she can “feel safe in his big, strong arms”? Well, if he’s not confident and you are, she will get that feeling from you and not from him.

Taking this a step further is called the bold approach.

When a person is taken by surprise, the mind goes into a state of confusion – and I bet you didn’t know that in hypnosis, confusion is considered a form of trance-like state. In the face of the unexpected, we drop our guard temporarily and leave space for new information (i.e. you). 

Because it’s unexpected! And a bold, powerful approach does this. 

It’s as if you went into a luxury store and the salesperson immediately walks up to you and says “can I help you?” Almost everyone says no, but it’s purely out of habit. It’s a knee-jerk reaction and sometimes we forget that and have to make a conscious effort to return to the salesperson to ask for help (I know, it’s horrible).

The saddest part is that’s how girls are often reacting too – from all the moments where they’ve had to suffer the cat calls, the comments about how slutty she looks, the stupid and downright stomach turning pick-up lines from guys who seriously have no clue what to do, besides point at her and grunt.

And – big shocker! – she may even say no to that cool, laid-back guy she found really attractive, purely out of habit and then REALLY regret it later on.

The point is a bold confidence allows you to be attractive. It gives her a sense of comfort AND it gives you a chance to interact with her on a more real, genuine level. And the more confident you are, the easier it will be to lead her into those positive experiences.

For some, this is probably stretching you a bit in terms of your current beliefs and experience, but it’s just one of those things you can only believe once you’ve gone through the journey a bit.

Keep in mind, when we say “bold and powerful”… it doesn’t mean you should be jumping at her from behind the bushes, or blasting her eardrums with your new Harley that has red flames on it. Use your head, OK?

Ok. One last example to close this out.


One night, Alex goes out to a really nice salsa club. The dance floor is filled with women, but the walls are packed with clueless men. So, Alex decides he has to get moving quickly. He spots a beautifully dressed girl from behind, who’s sitting with some of her friends. 

Guys are coming up to her, one after the other, and she’s shooting them down like a machine gun of rejection, one by one.

So, he takes the lead.

He goes up to her and places a hand on her shoulder. Looking down he asks, “You don’t want to dance to this song right now, do you?” After turning down a dozen guys in the last 15 minutes, she of course, automatically says no.

Then after a brief pause, he smiles and nods saying, “But we should dance to the next one, right?”

She didn’t expect to agree with him by saying no. And while she’s thinking about that, Alex is already asking her for the next dance and nodding his head.

Afer a moment, she breaks into a smile. “You’re alright,” she says… and as the curiosity grows inside her, she can’t help asking him, “what’s your name?”


So, what’s the lesson here? Be the man. Surprise her with a bold approach, and confidently take the lead.


Because she wants you to succeed, stupid!

7 Dating Lessons for Women In the New Year

dating for modern womenDo you remember that viral graduation speech given by a student to his class where he gave the best advice he’s ever learned in just a few simple steps?

It played everywhere and it was even turned into a song. Many versions were born from it. 

But ultimately the idea was that it was just some good, simple advice: reminders about living according to the things that are important to us, as we often forget what they really are along the way.

So when it comes to dating in the new year, I’ve thought of how many of us will be embarking on this new journey of love, dating and relationships and all the joy, heartbreak, frustration and just “meh…” that comes in between.

I’m proud to say I’ve graduated from MANY of these painful cycles. But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… at the end of the day, I still think of myself as a student first, a teacher second. And really, it’s more fun being a student, if for nothing else than the crazy drama and the volatile 90210 moments that abound!

Before digging in, I think it’s fair to say we’re all graduates.

We’ve all graduated from a tough economic year in our lives. We’ve all graduated from a life filled with heartbreak and disappointment, inspiration and indomitable faith, working harder than ever, only to find that success is still not enough. And of course, we’ve all graduated from having it all and losing it all – and now, here we stand, with another year behind us.

Another year wiser, another year of experiences and perspectives, ready to face the new, the unknown. The New Year.

So I want to take this moment to share a few of my own words of wisdom as we kick off the new year and pause to reflect on what we hope to gain from what’s to come.

This is where you’re supposed to imagine some graduation music, playing triumphantly in the background…. (and here’s a link to help with that:  )


STEP 1: Just like a new year’s resolution puts you in a reflective mood, always take time to know who you’re dating.

When you don’t get to know him – or he doesn’t have the privilege of getting to know you – then you leave behind a golden opportunity to find the love of your life or better still, to learn a new lesson about yourself…because very often, we learn the most about ourselves thru others. And if you don’t know yourself then chances are, he doesn’t either.

But hey, at least you’ll have found a good friend… maybe?


STEP 2: Try to charm the poor bloke, at least a little bit?

Too many women (AHEM… city girls…) are so used to being hit on and getting wined and dined while the investment banker of the month is blabbing on about how awesome he is because of this deal and that – but wait a tick.

There’s a girl on the other side of this table that’s just as awesome as he is, inside and out. Unfortunately, in this crazy dating world she’s forgotten how to talk about herself beyond the superficial “I went to the gym, I got some coffee, and I hate Lady Gaga right now.”

It means opening your mouth more, and making it talk about the many things you have going in your life and the conversationally elusive WHY it’s important to you.

Pretty soon, he’ll shut up. And if he doesn’t like it, find the guy right behind him that does want to know more about you… and he’ll be taken in by you before he even notices your spectacular C-cups.

No, it’s not love, but it’s a START.


STEP 3: Take it one day at a time.

If it’s going to happen, he’ll make it happen. If it’s not going to happen, he’ll do nothing about it. If you’re having fun, keep going. And if you’re not having fun, try laughing at him a little.

You’re only as limited as your imagination…especially if you’re imagining junk punching him. But you probably want that part to stay in your head so another girl has a chance to laugh at him and maybe someday, to laugh with him.


STEP 4: There are the assholes and then there are the nice guys.

If that’s all you date, you’re insecure. Yea, they are too, but real human beings have strengths and weaknesses and normal people that are really honest with themselves will recognize it’s healthy in other people too. And most importantly, it’s desirable.

Because if you can’t be real at times… if you can’t drop the need to seem perfect around him, or he’s a meathead jock right out of the Jersey Shore who sees your tears as a sign of weakness, or he’s so nice that you’re afraid to laugh when he farts loudly, then don’t just walk away… run!

And start back at Step 1.


STEP 5: You know it’s coming (that’s what she said)… but, love yourself.

Love yourself enough to keep dating new people, even though you told yourself on the last date that it’s all a waste of time. Love yourself enough to stop dating if you feel like you’re breaking his heart only because your heart was broken before.

And love yourself enough that you can actually believe it when he says that your eyes sparkle bright, like two Pikachus battling it out with a mighty Volt Tackle. (Oh, it’s true girlfriend!)

And if you keep your eyes open, you might learn something about yourself… something new that you can love yourself about. It’ll go into your next date.

And love yourself enough to stop dating if you feel chicks are starting to look mighty good to you about now… unless you have enough love to go around, of course.

The lesson is you have to give back to yourself before you have yourself to give.


STEP 6: Be your sexiest self.

When a girl goes out of her way to look good, or look sexy, it goes without saying he’ll probably be more attracted. But if you’ve done the first 5 steps right, then chances are he already knows how awesome you are on the inside.

And because you made sure he knows what makes you so special, being hot eye-candy won’t work against you. But just remember to take it, as always, one day a time.


STEP 7: Get out there more!

Don’t geek things up by obsessing with endless dating listicles (and by endless, I mean more than 7). Because you can’t meet someone from your couch…unless you’re on those dating sites, I guess. Which in that case, get a profile up and start swiping a few guys!

And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be one of those few lucky women out there with a guy you can “tolerate” this Valentine’s Day.

So Happy New Year to all you lovely ladies!

And remember that as long as you can learn something new, no moment is ever lost in the world of dating and relationships. :-)

14 Safe, Creative & Fun Tips for Men to Get a HOT Date Valentine’s Day!

14 Valentine's Day Tips for Men

1 – With your drink, push your glass up to about a foot away from her and say, “Cheers!”. She’s most likely to clink your glass with yours out of habit.

2 – Read those silly Cosmo quizzes and save five questions on your phone, along with their silly point system. Use them!

3 – Use 5 bad pickup lines in a row on her – any 5 will do.

4 – Tightly roll three-fourths of a cocktail napkin, leaving the top open like the bud of a flower. Tell her to hold it for you and go to the bathroom. If you come back and she’s still holding it, you’re in! If not, ignore it and continue getting to know her. She’s still with you!

5 – Point out an attractive woman to your love interest and ask her what you should say to pick her up, then do whatever she says – if it doesn’t work, you now have a fun story to share with the other woman. The more ridiculous the better.

6 – Approach her directly, but with a catch – “I knew I had to come talk to you and find out if you were more than meets the eye.”

7 – Ask what’s her favorite passion and more importantly, the rewarding feelings she gets from it. Women enjoy talking about themselves, you’ll get to know her better and she’s likely to remember you more. Win-win.

8 – Play a guessing game and look around the room trying to figure out the “story” of other couples as you people watch together. Again, the more ridiculous the better!

9 – Give her a fun nickname. When you ask for her number, tell her to program your phone with her new nickname in it. A-wink! Wink!

10 – Text her fun, random facts from the bottom of Snapple caps, like “a female kangaroo is called a flyer.” If she doesn’t respond, you didn’t risk anything meaningful so you can still call her.

11 – Take her window shopping and have her pick out fun outfits for you to wear. You don’t have to buy anything to have a good time.

12 – Exchange stories from your most embarrassing moments. You’ll automatically know things only her best friends know and if you’re a gentleman about it, she’s likely to trust you with more later.

13 – Ask her how she would hit on the most attractive man in the room and then have her practice on you first. But don’t fall for it…yet!

14 – Introduce yourself with a handshake and when she shakes your hand, immediately switch into a game of thumb wars. Let her win (but only if she deserves it)!

For more check out: Dating Mastery from the Inside Out


How To Tell If She’s Using You

How to Tell If She's Using YouWell ideally, the girl you’re dating is honest enough to declare, “I’m just using you.” But failing that, there are some other methods to make that judgment call yourself (although none are as good as the first!).


The key is to watch for patterns, such as:

* Is she always going for the lobster at Che Fancy Eats?

* Does she respond to your calls or texts… or only when she wants something?

* Have you been “dating” her for 6 months and have yet to meet her friends or family? (she’s compartmentalizing you)

* Does she ever go out of her way for you or is often asking you for big favors?

* Do you find a small part of you resents how much more giving you are in the relationship?

These are what we’d call “red flags”, and notice how all of them involve nonverbal cues. Because if she’s using you, it’s not likely she’s going to tell you (maybe her friends or your friends – but not you).

You may have heard that women sometimes send mixed messages. But in a relationship, you don’t need a cracker jack box decoder to decipher a person’s intentions because, over time, a person’s true colors will always emerge through their actions.

So if she’s flirting with the bartender on your date, while there might be some plausible deniability that they both just happen to REALLY love the Pixies, that’s strike one.

But after three strikes?

C’mon dude, have some self-respect already! At this point, any benefit of the doubt is used up and then it’s up to her to make you trust her again. And if she IS just using you, then chances are she’s not up to that challenge… because she was never that invested in you or the relationship to being with.

Either way, problem solved!

Of course, there’s another very common way women use men, and that’s just to get your validation. This can be trickier for men to handle because we love validation too. And so much of the dating game is intertwined with the desire for power and control.

Tread carefully!

While the same rules above still apply, it’s a two-way street that requires a deeper level of self-reflection.

But that’s a discussion for another time. And if you’re already dating, then you’ve got your work cut out for you, Columbo.